my mind is a labyrinth i fail to comprehend.
this enigma of emotions and feelings i keep stored away.
please, realize that i don’t do it purposely, but because the idea of affection and happiness truly frightens me. there are some nights when i wish i never met you, because i could fall asleep easily with out the idea that there was someone as perfect as you out there.
My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself.
My dreams, not longer consist of happiness. Nothing you can call “sweet dreams”. Yes nightmares. I was used to these sorts of dreams, and getting beautiful nightmares would be a contradiction. I lay there awaiting my heavy eyes to rest, to no longer be in this world for a couple of hours. Almost if I were dead, but without the commitment. Of course I knew once I fell into deep sleep all my nightmares will consist of all my failures in life, everything I didn’t take a chance in doing. I no longer reminisced about the past, but lived it… or at this moment dreamt it.
I woke up. I normally stared at the dreary weather outside of my window. The familiar four dull walls surrounded me. There weren’t any pictures frames to hang upon them, the room was completely blunt. Nothing unusual. Everything was quiet. Silence was now a familiar noise around me that strangely bothered me. I stretched my arm across the bed expecting to wake up next to the love of my life. No one? No one to share calm and comfortable mornings with, the thought slowly frightened me. The sun peeked through the window gently hitting the other half of my lonely bed, allowing me to see muscae volitantes that took the place of what was supposed to be my “soul-mate”.
I am alone. I could no longer retain memory of what I have or have not accomplished. I slowly stood up walking to bathroom; I noticed that my body could not retain the weight of my legs. The pain was unbearable. My journey was complete; I turned the light on and realized a pale, long face staring back at me. I moved my arm trying to figure out if it was my own reflection, it was. Never had my own reflection frightened me, to extent of wanting to scream. I was by far old, my skin was wrinkly, my lips where dry and flat, my hands where delicate, thin, and full of creases that showed the years I have lived. How could I not remember my own physique? The last face I could recollect of my own was a young, smooth face, plumped lips, a beautiful face, a fit body, and voluminous long brown hair.
Why could I not remember? How could I have aged so much? All I could remember was the past. I still lived in my 20’s mentally, but physically my life was coming to an end. How? Do I have grandchildren? If so, where are they? How many kids do I have? Where’s my husband? Did I get married? What has happened? So many questions, yet I had no answers in return. I was alone, with no reply or response at that. As quickly as my legs could take me, I searched for a phone. To hear someone’s voice would bring relief to my worried soul. The first telephone numbers that came to my forgotten mind, surprisingly, where my parents’. I presented myself with the hurtful truth. Oh dear God, no. Where they gone too? Have they already passed away? No. This can’t be possible! Jacky, please try to remember! How could I not remember? This question was now becoming a part of me, a portion of me that I completely had no control over and hated.